I am on a journey.
I began the journey in November 2014 with a simple idea to take a few more steps per day than I was already taking (which wasn't much).
I began a journey of changing myself by changing old habits, old patterns. By making physical changes to myself as well as mental and emotional changes.
This past Friday I slipped back into an old habit - one of my old patterns of behaving and being - and I was so disappointed in myself. I had let fear for and the actions of another person control my behavior.
Afterwards, I felt like I was letting others down, as well as myself. I spent the afternoon beating myself up for it.
And then I realized I was being a perfectionist - which is an old, old pattern I thought I had done away with many years ago.
The truth is (I'm sure this will shock you, right?): I am not perfect. I want to be - I want to be good at everything I set out to do. No, not just good - GREAT! I want to do it perfectly - show up every single day for myself and others - perfectly. Never let anyone down. Never disappoint. Never backslide.
I want to "walk the walk" and "talk the talk" and be taken seriously - and when I stumble, I berate myself for not doing it the "right" way.
I do not want to feel like a fraud.
This past 7 months has been an exercise in humility, patience and the realization that I need to let the journey unfold gently, day by day.
My life in the past month has gone from 0 to 60 almost overnight.
There is going to be some backsliding. Some fear and doubt to work through. Some "what the hell am I DOING??" moments.
And that is ok.
Perfectionism is the poison of any change we try to make in our lives.
I have to remind myself to look at the entire picture. To look at where I began, and where I am now and to give myself credit for the changes I HAVE made and the things I HAVE accomplished in that time. For overcoming my fears, for pushing my own boundaries and making myself get out of my own head and my own comfort zone.
I feel like I am juggling 20 balls right now - and dropping them everywhere and scrambling to pick them up again. I've added things to my life and I still have other things I am responsible for - and things that I truly need to let go of.
But at least I am still juggling - and I will give myself credit for that. There is so much going on, where there was literally nothing before.
All I know is that I have stepped fully into this next Chapter of my life. I want to live it FULL OUT with no regrets. I want to know where my own limits are - and then push past them. I have this one precious life to live and there are no do-overs. I want to look back on it and smile the BIGGEST FREAKIN' SMILE, remembering my moxy, my determination and my own personal bravery.
I ask myself everyday: "what if I fall?"
And I answer myself: "but what if I fly?"
What if YOU fly?
Joyfully, Donna xo