For the Everyday Ordinary...

"Normal Day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all in the world, for your return." ~ Mary Jean Iron

Saturday, June 6, 2015

What if I fly?

I am on a journey.

I began the journey in November 2014 with a simple idea to take a few more steps per day than I was already taking (which wasn't much).

I began a journey of changing myself by changing old habits, old patterns.  By making physical changes to myself as well as mental and emotional changes. 

This past Friday I slipped back into an old habit - one of my old patterns of behaving and being - and I was so disappointed in myself.  I had let fear for and the actions of another person control my behavior.

Afterwards, I felt like I was letting others down, as well as myself.  I spent the afternoon beating myself up for it.

And then I realized I was being a perfectionist - which is an old, old pattern I thought I had done away with many years ago.

Apparently not.

The truth is (I'm sure this will shock you, right?): I am not perfect.  I want to be - I want to be good at everything I set out to do.  No, not just good - GREAT!  I want to do it perfectly - show up every single day for myself and others - perfectly.  Never let anyone down.  Never disappoint.  Never backslide.

I want to "walk the walk" and "talk the talk" and be taken seriously - and when I stumble, I berate myself for not doing it the "right" way.

I do not want to feel like a fraud.

This past 7 months has been an exercise in humility, patience and the realization that I need to let the journey unfold gently, day by day.  

My life in the past month has gone from 0 to 60 almost overnight. 

There is going to be some backsliding.  Some fear and doubt to work through.  Some "what the hell am I DOING??" moments.

And that is ok.

Perfectionism is the poison of any change we try to make in our lives.  

I have to remind myself to look at the entire picture.  To look at where I began, and where I am now and to give myself credit for the changes I HAVE made and the things I HAVE accomplished in that time.  For overcoming my fears, for pushing my own boundaries and making myself get out of my own head and my own comfort zone.

I feel like I am juggling 20 balls right now - and dropping them everywhere and scrambling to pick them up again.  I've added things to my life and I still have other things I am responsible for - and things that I truly need to let go of.

But at least I am still juggling - and I will give myself credit for that.  There is so much going on, where there was literally nothing before.

All I know is that I have stepped fully into this next Chapter of my life.  I want to live it FULL OUT with no regrets.  I want to know where my own limits are - and then push past them.  I have this one precious life to live and there are no do-overs.  I want to look back on it and smile the BIGGEST FREAKIN' SMILE, remembering my moxy, my determination and my own personal bravery.

I ask myself everyday: "what if I fall?"
  And I answer myself: "but what if I fly?"

What if YOU fly?

Joyfully,  Donna xo